I spend a fair bit of time reading childrens books these days and have a few things that annoy me about them. If you’re not a parent, skip this one.

Some authors of series obviously haven’t given enough thought to the naming of the characters. Two examples: The Berenstain Bears and Franklin the Turtle.

Everyone in the Berenstain universe has real names (i.e. Lizzy Bruin, Mr. Grizzle, Fred, etc.), except the Berenstain family. The family is named Papa, Mama, Brother, and Sister. That is fine if they call each other that, but it appears to be their given names, which everyone else calls them. The rest of Bear Country must surely think them a most odd family having names like that. And inconsistency is introduced in newer stories (and makes the family even more odd) when another baby is born and they give a real (albeit not very creative) name: Honey. No wonder Brother Bear gets teased at school.

The Franklin the Turtle universe is the opposite. Franklin’s family are the only ones with names… everyone else is just called by what species they are. Franklin has many friends, like Bear, Goose, Snail, Fox, and so on. I’m not sure if any of these poor unnamed characters have siblings; one would hope not. Most parents have a hard enough time yelling the correct name. “Bear! I mean Bear, no Bear! Come clean up your mess!” Confusion must reign in Franklin’s world.

When you create a story for kids featuring anthropomorphic animals, how do you decide which ones get intelligence and which ones are pets and/or food? Why is Goofy not like Pluto? How can Mickey and crew sit down to eat a turkey dinner? Does Donald Duck get offended when they do?

Speaking of anthropomorphic characters, I for one am quite thankful that trains, cars, helicopters, boats, etc. are not really controlled by bratty five-year old personalities. I feel much more comfortable letting bratty five-year olds charge around in their forty-pound bodies, not watching where they are going, as opposed to several tons of a steam train who has a bad temper and isn’t paying attention to that rail car in the way. The world is dangerous enough with bratty twenty-something year olds texting while driving, thank you very much.

Maybe I should trade the kids books for books without pictures for awhile.